A Driver’s Prayer

Driving customs and laws vary widely around the world.

In Japan I watched drivers maneuver through streets with precision and courtesy, although, since they drove on the left side of the road, I never had the courage to rent a vehicle there.

The best drivers I have ever seen are those of Britain. I did drum up the bravery to try driving among them. At Gattwick the Hertz rental employees apparently had a bet going because they watched me leave the counter to find my appointed car. When I opened the passenger door (the driver’s door in the U.S,) and was seated with my seatbelt on before I noticed the steering wheel on the right side of the car, they threw up their hands, laughed uproariously, and passed money among them. In the driver’s seat I noticed the gear selector and the hand brake were now on my left, completely backward. I closed my eyes and said, “I am now going to look at the foot pedals. If the brake and accelerator pedals are reversed, I’m taking the bus.” They were arranged as my foot’s habit would require. I drove without incident (well, I did break a snap-off mirror from a parked car, but I put it back on and hurried away before anyone caught me) and enjoyed many repeated loops around traffic circles trying to find the correct turning (as they call it). British drivers are careful, precise, and polite to a fault. Many country roads are little more than the width of a small car, so it is common to wait courteously in a queue (a line) taking turns and waving apologetically to total strangers. They stop at Halts, they invariably signal turns, and it is all quite civilized. The scary thing was the right turns. I was always tempted to (and sometimes did, sorry to say) turn down the right (wrong) side of the street. Anyway, they are the most superb drivers on the planet.

Singaporeans are exquisite drivers, but for a different reason. They drive on the left but have little lights installed atop their cars that flash to signal the police if they exceed the 20 mph speed limit. The police are in little palm-shaded booths every few blocks to record the license plates of cars with flashing speeding lights. By the way, Singapore is not where you think it is. Look it up on Google maps.

The worst are in Indonesia. It is mass mayhem. I actually spent half an hour standing in an alcove on a busy two-way street that had two lanes, one in each direction. These were painted on the street. However, a murder of cars, including many taxis, took up the whole street, in six lanes, all going in one direction: Two in the painted lanes, two more lanes of cars where no one dared to park, and two more lanes of cars on the sidewalks (this is why I was standing in an alcove). Everyone honks. Constantly. It is just their way of saying, “I’m here beside you. I see you, yes. I am going to overtake you. I have passed you. Yes, you’re welcome. See you another time,” with multiple honks for each syllable. In every taxi I rode in, the passengers front and back had their own horn buttons. Others used them with glee; I used them in abject terror. And, they drive on the left which is not right. After several minutes the six lanes of traffic would dwindle down to nothing. A few seconds later, six lanes of cars, whose drivers had been waiting patiently parked off the side of the road for their turn to usurp the road, would crash past me from the other direction. I never saw an accident. I saw lots of body repair shops.

I grew up in California where most everyone drives in the same reasonable way: Exceed every posted speed limit by twenty percent, maintain one foot of distance between your vehicle and the one in front of you for every ten miles per hour on the speedometer, slow down at stop signs but never quite stop, and signaling means you have claimed the legal right of way and others should stay back for you. I’ve notice that California license plates now have reached 8 as the first digit. Mathematically, one digit followed by three letters and three digits means 8 x 26 x 26 x 26 x 10 x 10 x10 = 140,608,000 license plates. I have seen at least that many vehicles at one time on the Harbor Freeway.

The strangest and perhaps most dangerous place to drive is Hawaii. When I first moved there I T-boned a car that inexplicably pulled out directly in front of me from a side street as I was going 45 mph on the Like-Like Highway (pronounced Leaky-Leaky, and named in honor of one of the last Hawaiian princesses before we overthrew them, Miriam Likelike Kekāuluohi Keahelapalapa Kapili). I was just amazed when the driver said he had the right-of-way (he had a stop sign; I had no stop sign) because I had looked at him. He kept telling the police officer, “He looked at me, but! I wen see him look at me!” The officer, a Hawaiian, looked at me, asked if I had just arrived on the island, and explained that the custom is to always slow to allow cross traffic to pull in front of you, with the signal being to make eye contact. My insurance agent gave me the same lecture.

But, I have lived in New Mexico for over twenty years. Everyone here follows the motoring laws to the letter. I believe that each of the State Motor Vehicle rules I am about to quote is verbatim from State Law.

It shall be illegal to pull onto a road from a side road if oncoming traffic is within one-quarter mile, unless you can pull in front of a vehicle that reasonably has enough time to brake so as not to strike you. Skidding tires are permitted. If the other driver sounds the car horn at you, consider it a congratulatory gesture on a fine bit of driving.

All student drivers in New Mexico shall be trained at State-licensed Driver Training Schools owned by near-relatives of State legislators and since no driver may be trained to drive by any relative (unless the driver is a relative of a State legislator’s relative), all drivers will be taught to drive as the legislators’ grandparents drove, that is, to drive as if they were controlling a team of four horses pulling a wagon. Therefore, drivers will pull as far left in the road as possible before making a sweeping right turn into the left-most lane of the other road. Similarly, drivers will make left turns from as far to the right in the lane or road as possible. It is legal to make a right turn into any lane on the other road, even if this means cutting off six lanes of traffic, and then to drift into the lane you actually want.

Signalling turns shall be entirely optional, only be sure to signal left if you plan to turn right because you actually will be pulling widely to the left before beginning your turn. Same for right signals. It is permissible to use turn signals as feints.

Stop signals shall be interpreted as follows: Green lights mean it is impossible to have an accident, so full steam ahead; Yellow lights mean, well, they mean nothing, but the people who manufacture the lights in Texas always include the yellow lamp; Red lights, if, in your personal opinion, they have just turned red, mean that, if you can possibly argue that any part of your vehicle (like that fishing pole you have sticking out beyond the front grill) might possibly have been or might possibly be interpreted to have been in the intersection (which, of course, begins some distance before the crosswalk line), then you must not stop because the three cars behind you are not going to stop. Maybe four. Keep looking behind you through the rearview mirror as you enter the intersection to observe this.

Stop signs shall be ignored. It is only required that the driver slow somewhat if driving through the intersection at full speed would cause a collision. Always be sure approaching traffic has sufficient time to brake with skidding so as not to hit you. Anyone who has the temerity to actually come close to stopping at a stop sign should be threatened with your pickup’s front grill and be honked at and yelled at by both the driver and all passengers, including those sitting on the sides of the bed of the pickup.

Weaving between cars is permissible even if it means moving in one leap from one side of a six-lane boulevard to the other as long as their is just enough room between the cars to achieve this. Weaving back the other way at the first chance is also necessary, otherwise, how could you end up at the next stop light just in front of the car you were behind back when you began these maneuvers? Weaving between cars is worthwhile because it will shorten your trip by 0.0075 seconds.

In all cases the prima facie rule of driving in New Mexico is to pretend you are on a dirt road with no lines and no other traffic and are assuming that absolutely nothing can possibly go wrong.

I am intentionally pedestrian most of the time. The area I live in has no sidewalks. I must walk in the gutter. There are sidewalks a few blocks from my neighborhood, and those sidewalks have painted crosswalks. So far, I have been struck while in a crosswalk by three vehicles who stopped for me, made eye contact with me, waved me forward, and then hit the accelerator when I reached that point directly in front of them. In all three cases I ended up on the hood, uninjured really, but able to stare at close quarters into the eyes of the driver. I believe all three drivers were making hand gestures as they talked on their phones.

I do take heart that the State has passed a law that requires sidewalks. It is State Law 6-7-501 and has the following terms:

The prayer? Because the best drivers are defined as those who drive just like you do, pray, “and forgive us our trespasses to the extent that we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Amen.